Our Journey continued…
Jeremiah 29:11 “For
I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
God promises not to
harm us but during the weeks that become months and the months that become
years on the path of infertility it feels like I’m being harmed. That is, until
I open my eyes.
I am a person and
like anyone else I have a plan. First comes love, then comes marriage, then
comes…. Well the first two parts were easy compared to the last part. I’ve
wanted to be a mom “since I was born” as my mom would often say. About a year
before we got married I began seeking advise from my doctor about trying to get
and regulate a monthly cycle. After about 3 months she sent me off to the next
OB who specializes in fertility on an OB level. I was with him for 6 months
before we had “the talk”. He said I needed to make an appointment with a
fertility clinic in our area and get a plan in place. Our wedding was now here
and we knew we weren’t going to stop ourselves from getting pregnant, if only
my body would cooperate.
I long stopped
counting the time that has passed since I first sat in my doctor’s office
talking about this subject. I’ve long passed being embarrassed by infertility.
I’ve long accepted that this is my journey and I best make the best of it!
I’ll never forget my
first visit to the fertility clinic. Ryan and I had talked about him not taking
a day off work for this appointment since he would need to be at the next
appointment for sure. It was the worst decision we made! The appointment was
HORRIBLE to say the least! The doctor was awful, the nurse was drunk or
something, the receptionist looked like she hadn’t showered in days, and worst
of all I was the only woman in the office full of men making a “donation”…
Insert mortified! I left the office crying after my appointment. Totally lost
on what to do. Ryan was horrified that he wasn’t there with me and more
horrified that I didn’t walk out right away but actually went through the whole
appointment. Needless to say it was just a mess.
I immediately called
the fertility doctor that my OB recommended (it is about 2 hours from our
house) and they said they’d get me in the next morning. Again my husband
wouldn’t be able to go but this appointment turned out much better. I felt
super comfortable with the new doctor and we made up our route of treatment. By
this point we were more than ready to have a baby.
Three months later
and still a big ol nothing. Every month was like a miniature death. A death of
something we didn’t even have. We decided that this wasn’t going to ruin our
new marriage and we were going to find the best in every day. So we did. On the
bad days we laughed at what we could (like the ultrasound machine…) and on the
good days we cherished each other more than ever.
There has to be good
in everything and we were determined to find it. Looking back, this is when we
really got closer than ever. I also know that my relationship with God matured
in a whole different way during this time. When we first started down this road
I was loosing my mom to cancer. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and just
miserable. Then my mom passed away and I remember having a very open
conversation with God (I decided long ago that since He already knows my heart,
I might as well be open and honest with Him). I didn’t understand why my mom
had to pass away and now I was embarking on the scariest journey ever… alone. I
was quickly reminded to trust God because with God, I am never alone!
So I did that! The
longer this journey goes on the more of those “bad days” there are. In fact,
I’m surprised my phone has lasted since being thrown across the room multiple
times. I swear there are “National Announce You’re Preggo” days on Facebook sometimes.
One thing that I’ve never felt is upset about others pregnancies but lets face
it… its hard to see 8 people announce they’re expecting in one day.
I’m truly so happy
for all our friends and family that is expecting and would never with this journey
on anyone but I’ll also say that there IS good that can come from a rough road.
In the least, you break in your tires. What I mean is, Ryan and I have had to
choose to journey this together. We’ve had to actively love each other as we
experience this hardship together. We act and react differently to the same
journey. Ryan’s learned a new level of patience and so have I. I strongly
believe I am a better wife and will be a better mom when the time comes,
because of this road we’re traveling. I know God has a reason and I can drive
myself crazy trying to find that reason, or I can ride the waves of today.
I have one more post
on this fertility journey that I’ll save for tomorrow. After some encouraging
emails and comments from my first post on this, I’ll update this little blog as
we go along, hopefully in the least, showing others they aren’t alone.
I’ll finish with
this (which will be exactly where my next post will start…)
Be still, and know
that I am God…
Psalm 46:10
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