The Month of May...

Oh the month of May! You come around every 11 months or so and each time I have had/probably will always have a different reaction and feeling on the topic. March is a busy month for us. Its full of birthdays! Literally there are 12 birthdays (including mine) between just our families not to mention friends! So it’s busy but super fun and family filled. But May holds much more for us personally even though it only has 3 real days of events. These days have held the biggest moments of our lives though.

First comes Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate the woman that is most taken for granted in our lives. My mom was my best friend. She was the lady that I told EVERYTHING to (often embarrassing or mortifying my husband… sorry babe!). She prayed for me, prayed with me, fought with me, cried with me, cried for me, laughed with me, and she loved me unconditionally. I was often made fun of in school for how close I was to my mom but to all you who said those things… I think you’re weird to so we’re even! Any ways back to Mother’s Day. If you’ve been following me online or know me in any sort of way, you already know that I lost my mom to colon cancer a couple of years ago. Obviously, along with changing my daily life, this changed the terms of my “Mother’s Day” quite a bit. It’s a different sort of day for me now. It reminds me that the most irreplaceable person in my life is gone and can’t be pampered on this day. It reminds me what I’m missing, as if I needed reminding in the first place. It reminds me of thing and moments I regret with my mom. It reminds me I can’t go back and say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” to her again. If I were writing this post last year at this time it would have looked much different. I was excited to remember my mom on Mother’s Day last year. I had different feelings and emotions. This year I’m much more sad and I’m sure, in part, that has to do with the next topic I’ll touch on.

If you read my last few posts about our infertility struggle you already know that Ryan and I have been unable to conceive and will be doing IVF soon. If you didn’t read that and would like to, click here and here. I guess I never thought we’d have this hard a time getting pregnant. Every women in my family has become pregnant before they even wanted to and no one has had issues until after they were done having kids. I never thought years would pass of us trying. I never thought I’d be getting pregnant in a doctors office instead of our bedroom (insert cover the eyes monkey emoji!). But anyways that’s part of our story and we’re rolling with it because that’s just what you have to do I guess. But I know this Mother’s Day has been on my heart becasue we so hope to be parents and I thought we’d for sure by now be celebrating with our baby. I know God has a plan for us and right now I’m drawing near to Him to get through this weekend celebrating my sweet mama friends, my step mom, and my mother in law, all while remembering the most important person in my life, my mama!

Up next for us in May is our anniversary! Yup, May 15^th I said “I Do” to my handsome hubby. This year, to celebrate, we are taking a MUCH needed weekend and going to Palm Springs. I didn’t want to travel anywhere far because half of our getaway would be traveling so we’re going about an hour away to celebrate and I could be looking forward to it more! In the craziness of everyday life it is so incredibly important to put the focus back on us so our anniversary couldn’t come at a better time.

Lastly, the most life-changing event happened in my / our lives. I lost my mom. May 24^th will never look the same again. Somedays I feel like I talked to her yesterday and other days it feels like 10 years has past. I don’t think you ever stop needing your mom but I’ll tell you, I feel like I need her now more than ever. So many changes are happening in our lives right now that I so need her and her wisdom. But God is quickly showing me that He is more than capable to handle me and my issues (and I have plenty!) and most importantly, He is the safest place to rest.

I’m so thankful for the Instagram community. I’ve made so many amazing and encouraging friends through it, one of which has been MarriageMore. I listen to their podcasts and am so grateful for them. Although I don’t know them personally I feel like I have so much in common with Mandy and have learned grace and grown as a wife through their sharing. I so recommend this to everyone! I like to listen on my way to work (although I work 2 hours away and can listen to 4 or more on my way… I try to space them out!). My husband has also really grown from these. One of our biggest problems since moving has been finding our niche. Its sooo much easier making friends in high school! My high school self would laugh at me now but it’s true! We had a church and friends and family where we used to live and it’s like starting over here. We’ve been here a year next month and we really haven’t found “our place” with in the community yet.

* Side note: we FINALLY found our forever home church out here! We initially attended a Calvary Chapel because that’s where I came from before we moved, but we couldn’t really dive in and meet people. The groups met at conflicting times with our schedule and the overall atmosphere was a little older. I loved it because I am used to the Calvary teaching but I could tell it would be difficult for us to grow there so we went back on the hunt and found our perfect place! The first Sunday there I ironically knew someone! He had worked with my mom for a few years and Ryan and I felt right at home! Praise God!   

Anyways, back to MarriageMore. I finished a podcast this morning and it really spoke to my heart. I believe it’s a couple months old, but Mandy shares a few ways she’s working to become a better wife. You guys, I’m no pro by any means, but I’ve seen through real relationships in my life that the women that work on themselves everyday ultimately end up with a better marriage, better relationships, are better moms, and are just better humans in general. I’ve been in a rut all week so I needed this encouragement.

I’ve been harsh, grumpy, impatient, annoyed, and just all around moody. My husband has shown me extra grace because he knows this week is a hard one on me, but it’s still little to no excuse. If we’re friends on Instagram, you probably saw that we’ve also been fighting with Chevy regarding our lemon. Our brand new Tahoe is a lemon and I’ve been out of a car for a couple months now. We went this week to finally pick up my new car and they brought in the wrong car! I couldn’t believe it! So now that process just got more complicated and the car we wanted of course sold so they are trying to find us another one. Anyways when it rains, it pours.

I’m telling you all this to lead up to a few things God’s placed on my heart. First of all, I love Ephesians. Ephesians 5 speaks to me in such a real way right now. Partially this is because my Bible has incredible footnotes or study notes on this passage that really breaks this down in real life terms (even though this is a super easy to understand chapter… it just adds to that meaning for me). But one verse that really stood out to me was “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ… For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…” The footnote spoke about how our example of marriage is an example of Christ’s love. It painted such a beautiful picture for me of the sanctity of marriage. Then I thought about how my bad attitude is polluting my marriage… really put things in perspective for me!

Secondly, as I listed to MarriageMore’s podcast, they were interviewing Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage(also amazing and I’ll talk on them soon!). Ryan and Selena told a story of a friend of theirs where the wife felt lead to better love her husband as he is not as she wants him. This is so real for me right now because women and men are just different and thank goodness! But sometimes I find myself starting to resent Ryan for what I want of him that he isn’t instead of loving all the incredible and wonderful things that he is. I know everyday that God is working in me and in Ryan. God knows what I need of Ryan and He knows what Ryan needs of me. If I show Ryan unending love and support and kindness and interest in him as a person right now, God will use that to mold his heart toward the things I need that maybe aren’t 100% there. Knowledge is power and after diving into these passages and hearing these podcasts today, I know a couple of real things to work on within myself and I’m committing to work on them. Yikes! I’ll let you know how this goes!

Etsy Shop Update

Etsy

We were super excited to open our Etsyshop last month! It was a slow start but I’m finally getting the hang of listing items and over the next week we’ll have about 10 more fun things added to the shop… We’d love for you to check it out!

A portion of the proceeds from each sale will go toward two foundations close to our heart. St. Jude Cancer Center, where my mom was treated and The Time Tebow Foundation supporting children around the world. Each listing tells where the proceeds for that particular item will go! Thank you for your support my sweet friends!

Our Journey continued...

Our Journey continued…

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God promises not to harm us but during the weeks that become months and the months that become years on the path of infertility it feels like I’m being harmed. That is, until I open my eyes.

I am a person and like anyone else I have a plan. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…. Well the first two parts were easy compared to the last part. I’ve wanted to be a mom “since I was born” as my mom would often say. About a year before we got married I began seeking advise from my doctor about trying to get and regulate a monthly cycle. After about 3 months she sent me off to the next OB who specializes in fertility on an OB level. I was with him for 6 months before we had “the talk”. He said I needed to make an appointment with a fertility clinic in our area and get a plan in place. Our wedding was now here and we knew we weren’t going to stop ourselves from getting pregnant, if only my body would cooperate.

I long stopped counting the time that has passed since I first sat in my doctor’s office talking about this subject. I’ve long passed being embarrassed by infertility. I’ve long accepted that this is my journey and I best make the best of it!

I’ll never forget my first visit to the fertility clinic. Ryan and I had talked about him not taking a day off work for this appointment since he would need to be at the next appointment for sure. It was the worst decision we made! The appointment was HORRIBLE to say the least! The doctor was awful, the nurse was drunk or something, the receptionist looked like she hadn’t showered in days, and worst of all I was the only woman in the office full of men making a “donation”… Insert mortified! I left the office crying after my appointment. Totally lost on what to do. Ryan was horrified that he wasn’t there with me and more horrified that I didn’t walk out right away but actually went through the whole appointment. Needless to say it was just a mess.

I immediately called the fertility doctor that my OB recommended (it is about 2 hours from our house) and they said they’d get me in the next morning. Again my husband wouldn’t be able to go but this appointment turned out much better. I felt super comfortable with the new doctor and we made up our route of treatment. By this point we were more than ready to have a baby.

Three months later and still a big ol nothing. Every month was like a miniature death. A death of something we didn’t even have. We decided that this wasn’t going to ruin our new marriage and we were going to find the best in every day. So we did. On the bad days we laughed at what we could (like the ultrasound machine…) and on the good days we cherished each other more than ever.

There has to be good in everything and we were determined to find it. Looking back, this is when we really got closer than ever. I also know that my relationship with God matured in a whole different way during this time. When we first started down this road I was loosing my mom to cancer. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and just miserable. Then my mom passed away and I remember having a very open conversation with God (I decided long ago that since He already knows my heart, I might as well be open and honest with Him). I didn’t understand why my mom had to pass away and now I was embarking on the scariest journey ever… alone. I was quickly reminded to trust God because with God, I am never alone!

So I did that! The longer this journey goes on the more of those “bad days” there are. In fact, I’m surprised my phone has lasted since being thrown across the room multiple times. I swear there are “National Announce You’re Preggo” days on Facebook sometimes. One thing that I’ve never felt is upset about others pregnancies but lets face it… its hard to see 8 people announce they’re expecting in one day.

I’m truly so happy for all our friends and family that is expecting and would never with this journey on anyone but I’ll also say that there IS good that can come from a rough road. In the least, you break in your tires. What I mean is, Ryan and I have had to choose to journey this together. We’ve had to actively love each other as we experience this hardship together. We act and react differently to the same journey. Ryan’s learned a new level of patience and so have I. I strongly believe I am a better wife and will be a better mom when the time comes, because of this road we’re traveling. I know God has a reason and I can drive myself crazy trying to find that reason, or I can ride the waves of today.

I have one more post on this fertility journey that I’ll save for tomorrow. After some encouraging emails and comments from my first post on this, I’ll update this little blog as we go along, hopefully in the least, showing others they aren’t alone.

I’ll finish with this (which will be exactly where my next post will start…)

Be still, and know that I am God…

Psalm 46:10

Our Journey with Infertility

Yesterday marked the start of Nation Infertility Week so I thought it was a fitting time to open up about this painful journey that has made it way into our home. Infertility is a scary and lonely journey full of unknowns. I started Peach & Paisleys because I became a housewife nearly overnight. Our fertility doctor said I needed to minimize my stress and he suggested I stop working. So I did…

I have known for a long time I would have a hard time conceiving but that news didn’t really affect me until I was married and we wanted to start a family. At that time I couldn’t have told you the optimal size of a follicle or told you my exact basal temperature at any point during the month. I would have told you you were crazy if you said I’d have blood drawn weekly (sometimes more than once and up to 30 vials a week) or give myself shots because at that time the idea of a shot made me want to puke. I would have cringed if you told me we’d have to excuse ourselves early from family functions and make up an excuse because I needed to go throw up for the 5^th time that day. I wouldn’t have understood going to the bathroom and crying in the middle of my Target run because everyone I was passing in the aisles was pregnant or with a baby.

Going through these things are apart of our regular life now. If we wouldn’t have gone through this struggle thus far we also wouldn’t understand the grace of God the way we do today. We wouldn’t understand the feeling of peace that He is in control. We wouldn’t be as close as husband and wife because one thing’s for sure: 1 in 8 couples go through infertility but NONE of those couples are the same. I sit in our fertility doctor’s office up to 4 times in any given week, often seeing the same women’s faces. Many of those women share a similar journey as my husband and I are on but none of us feel the same way. Honestly I don’t even feel the same way day to day about this journey. There are days my heart literally begs God for a baby. There are days I just don’t understand why but God always is quick to remind me that it’s okay that I don’t understand as long as I remember He is in control.

I’m definitely far from perfect and there have been many days I have been angry at God, but in His normal loving way He is quick to invite me back into His embrace. He is quick to remind me that He is good all the time… even in our struggles. I have learned to pray differently and yes, I daily pray for our sweet baby that will someday take a home in this mama’s belly. A baby that is already so incredibly loved by this mama and daddy. A baby that is incredibly longed for.

1 in 8 couples is a lot of couples. As we’ve slowly shared our journey with friends and family we’ve become aware of many other people in our lives that have struggled in one way or another. We are the first among these people to go to the step of IVF but every journey is unique and one day our story will start the next chapter to. It is a scary step to share your struggle with those you love and there are some people we’ve decided to stop sharing with but it’s been so healthy to get support from a special few.

I know that everyone we’ve shared our journey with only has good intentions with how they’ve responded but even so, some responses are so hurtful. We are young and we know that but a longing heart has no age. We also know that it will be okay. We don’t doubt that but those responses only minimize the hurt we are experiencing.

On the other hand the friends that send us encouraging verses or ask how we are doing are so incredibly appreciated. I’ve cried with a few of those sweet friends and they’ve cried with me and God has opened up some pretty precious relationships because of this journey. For that I am so grateful.

I found Sarah’s Laughter, an online Christian support for women dealing with infertility and it has changed my soul. It’s real. It doesn’t just tell me to trust God because lets face it, that answer isn’t always enough for our humanly heart. Infertility is full of unknowns. There is no reason we didn’t get pregnant at the beginning of this year. We had a month of the closest to normal we’ve ever had. Everything worked the way it was supposed to, but God wasn’t ready. One day He will be though and until then we’ll continue down this path and hopefully by me sharing this journey will connect with other sweet souls on the same path.

I will continue these thoughts throughout this week but for now I’ll leave off with this:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6